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holy shit [Wed, Mar 22nd, 06
@ 12:46pm]
yeah. so i really don't think anyone goes on this shit anymore...but incase ya do...here's my day.
wake up.
go to school.
get called to office.
get told i have to withdrawl from school.
i ask why.
get told i have too many absenses.
i go to guidance.
they enroll me in adult ed at trident tech.
i find out i'll have my actual high school diploma around july instead of may.
[thats fine]
eat lunch with REALLY hott guy.
come to library.
update my eljay that i almost forgot existed.
so comment if you read this and i'll know if it was worth my while. lmfao.
the knife

[Sun, Sep 5th, 04
@ 11:10pm]

sorry kids...this lj is dead. :(

check out my new one though!!!   



the knife

i want you to notice...at the same time i dont [Tue, Aug 31st, 04
@ 5:43pm]
i cry myself to sleep
almost every night,
its not because im scared
or overheard another fight.
i want you to notice
that there's something wrong with me,
that im truely not as happy
as i pretend to be.
i want someone's attention
i want somebody's love,
God where is my angel
sent from up above?
she's sitting in her room
draining her own pain,
she doesn't need my problems
added to her brain.
im screaming inside
but nobody's listening,
so now on my cheeks
its tears that are glistening.
don't you understand
that im not just "trying",
this is how i really feel
this is why im dying.
im so fucking alone
always by myself,
much like a kids old toy
that just sits up on the shelf.
all i do is sit here
with noone by myself,
but i guess if noone's around
then i dont have to hide.
2 swallow| the knife

[Sat, Aug 28th, 04
@ 4:58pm]
Surrounded by people, yet alone
yes that's right, it happens
when you are smiling, talking and laughing
but from inside your heart is broken
and no one can see those tears.
Sometimes, life comes to a stand
you think everything is fine but its not
you think your life is in order
but its not
you go about doing your business as usual
and pretend that nothing is wrong
but deep down there is an empty feeling
which bothers you
you ask yourself; what's wrong?
everything seems to be fine
and you are miserable
you don't know what to do
that emptiness surrounds your heart
and you are with people yet alone.

i never told anyone...so how could someone write it???
2 swallow| the knife

starts and ends with an a [Mon, Aug 23rd, 04
@ 9:50pm]
as i said before...this goes out to one certain person.
and hopefully you can figure out who you are...please comment.

You always say
You're my friend.
But what about your side
What about your end?

Am I your friend
Or should I go away?
If I don't matter
Then I don't need to stay.

I want to matter
And know that you care.
I want that security
That you'll always be there.

You have a girlfriend
And friends galore
But am I really your friend
Or a piece of something on the floor?

You may think I'm whiny
Or being just dumb
But why can't you say those words
Please tell me how come.

I just want your friendship
Is that too much to want?
If so please tell me
And me you don't have to see and you won't.
2 swallow| the knife

[Sun, Aug 22nd, 04
@ 2:46am]
[ mood | alone ]

i think i might start posting mainly songs and poems that are relevant to my mood...so here's one i just found.

I feel lonely
Non existent,
Why do I feel this way?
All these emotions haunting my dreams,
Question marks of confusion,
Broken mirrors of sin,
Darkness surrounds me forever,
I just want to be held,
And whole,
I want to be understood.
All hope is lost.

the knife

my lost friend... [Fri, Aug 20th, 04
@ 8:50pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I came to you the hour I was in pain
Looking for answers, I cried to you in vain.

I shared the many skeletons hiding in my heart,
I knew then you'd be my friend,
I knew it from the start.

Troubles ran like rivers, flowing through my life,
You picked the pieces up and help me through my strife.

When home wasn't home to me no more,
You opened up your heart, and opened up the door.

We cried into night until the early morn.
We solaced each other's pain and shared our many thorns.

As time flew, the air grew thick,
I saw our friendship fading, and my heart grew sick.

The day had arrived,
When it was time to say goodbye.

Now I sit alone,
reminiscing the past I'd blown.

this goes out to a speical person...you know who you are...i miss you :/

2 swallow| the knife

[Wed, Aug 18th, 04
@ 8:00pm]
[ mood | i dont know... ]

wow, im bored...not really, but ya know.
well im at ambers house, so they wanna get on the computer, but if you love me let me know...its nice to have some reasurance sometimes :/
peace out homies!

2 swallow| the knife

[Mon, Aug 16th, 04
@ 9:22pm]
should i stop updating? please let me know...cause if noone comments on this...then what is the point? seriously, let me know if i should quit.
6 swallow| the knife

[Sun, Aug 15th, 04
@ 10:03pm]
don't cry because it's over...
smile because it happened.

if only it was that easy :/
the knife

[Sat, Aug 14th, 04
@ 11:46am]
[ mood | content ]

i havent updated in a while...sorry. nothin really exciting has been going on lately. shelbie and her friend are goin on their roadtrip tomorrow (she's coming in tonight :D). School has been alright, i dont really like any of my classes except cosmetology, but the people in them are prettty cool. hmm, i can't really think of anything else to tell ya'll but im sure this will bore you enough ;) later bitches!

p.s. dont get offended if i call ya bitch or biatch, it's not meant to be taken literal.

the knife

[Sat, Aug 7th, 04
@ 9:27am]
[ mood | bored ]

well school officially sucks already! i have miss effin glenn for geog. and she's like crazy-insane!!! we had to write a freakin essay for homework on the first day, then we had an entire chapter...yes chapter, not section...of vocab. to do last night. and i have to write another essay, but this one is for english...."what influences american culture today"....wtf??? how the hell am i supposed to know? we haven't ever talked about it!!!! ugh...moving on, shelbie's here yayayayayayayay. i thought she was going to stay for like 3 months, but she's not. her and brooke are going on a road trip, so she'll only be here for a week :( . last night was really boring, cause i had to stay home by myself with no friends cause i got caught smoking (cigarrettes) at carowinds last weekend so for the next month i can't do anything on fridays. (sounds wierd but its because thats when i got the cigs that i was smoking, so he doesn't want me to go somewhere i can get them). well anyways, i guess im out, cause i dont really have anything else to say! peace nigga ;)

7 swallow| the knife

im just a kid [Mon, Aug 2nd, 04
@ 1:24pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

I woke up it was seven
Waited till eleven
Just to figure out that no one would call.
I think I got a lot of friends
But I don’t hear from them.
What’s another night all alone?
When your spending every day on your own
And here it goes ..
I’m just a kid and life is a nighmare
I’m just a kid and I know that it’s not fair
Nobody cares cause I’m alone and the world
Is havin’ more fun then me
And maybe when the night is dead
I’ll crawl into my bed
Staring at these four walls again
I’ll try to think about the last time
I had a good time ,
Eveyone’s got somewhere to go
And their gonna leave me here on my own
And here it goes
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Don’t fit in with anybody
How did this happen to me?
Wide awake I’m bored and I can’t fall asleep
And eveynight is the worst night ever

its almost as if they wrote it for me...

2 swallow| the knife

[Sat, Jul 31st, 04
@ 12:43am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

tonight was ok. it was wierd w/out adlissa :/
there were a bunch of fights though as im sure everyone already knows...
anyways, i dont really have much to say, my thoughts can't be put into words right now.
there are too many anyways...

the knife

[Thu, Jul 29th, 04
@ 6:52pm]
[ mood | numb ]

hmm...i can't believe this shit.
everything is fucking falling apart.
what the hell am i supposed to do?
everyone's gone. my mom is 500 miles away. shelbie is going into the navy. samantha is moving to charleston. adlissa and brent ran away. everyone has fucking left me.
everyone but kourtni....but oh no!!! thats not it!
the guy i thought i liked turns out to be the most confusing person in the whole ENTIRE world, and lies straight to my face, but just when im ready to give up, i start to think twice...and im sure we all know why.
then all of a sudden i meet someone else who is really cool but i dont know if there is anything more than a really good friendship there. but i think i sort of might like him.
(key words SORT OF)...meaning i dont really know but there's not much of a possiblity of something unless it was wayyy later on; but probably not cause im a dork.
im tired as hell cause i havent really slept in like 2 weeks.
and im fuckin stressed to the breaking point.
fuck everything!!!!
im so stressed i cant see straight. im just becoming numb to everything. im starting to just not feel emotion. what the hell did i do wrong?

2 swallow| the knife

[Tue, Jul 27th, 04
@ 11:18pm]
[ mood | sad ]

ok, i hate it when people tell me something and it comes out the wrong way. cause then i go and get all pissed off. and end up doing something stupid.
i hate myself. i end up fucking everything up. i always do. i dont know why though.
damn i dont think i have ever been this confused in my entire life.
ever. i hate myself.
im not mad. im not pissed off. im sad. im hurt. just please tell me whats going on!! just give me some kind of hint. something. i want to know...

i need to know.

4 swallow| the knife

[Tue, Jul 20th, 04
@ 11:11pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

i guess its not just anxiety....its real. not just me worrying too much. its the truth.

10 swallow| the knife

all work and no play [Mon, Jul 19th, 04
@ 7:38pm]
[ mood | tired ]

so i get to babysit ALL week long...fun stuff. or not. lol. anyways, so nicole is coming down for a week on sunday or monday, and then on next friday shelbie's comin!!!!!!!!! yay!! im soo excited :) i think we're goin to carowinds yey...well thats pretty much it for now, so laters.

2 swallow| the knife

at tori's [Sun, Jul 18th, 04
@ 8:09pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

wow, yesterday was crazy!! we all went to the mall and everyone got in a straight line and i lead us through the mall and we went into abercrombie and this dude that was in there like joined us!! it was freakin hilarious - anyways, so then we all went to waffle house and that lady that told me i could have a nametag wasn't there AGAIN!!! grrr.....moving on -> then me, tori, and kg came to tori's house and chilled here with tracy and brandon-i...i mean bradley (hehe) and that was insane!!! we were all playin in the rain and lots of other stuff, but thats too long to go into detail about, alls ya'll need to know is that we had fun. lol. and then my dad was bein gay so i had to go at like 12:15, and that pretty much been it lately...so laters i guess.
i loves you!

the knife

boring! [Fri, Jul 16th, 04
@ 10:55pm]
[ mood | content ]

sorry i haven't updated lately...been busy babysitting and such, and cause i'm lazy ;). so yeah, me and kg are friends again!!! crazaay huh?? but good :). its so great to have friends that drive - minus gas money hehe. so there's not really too much else new. leave me some comments!!!!!! i loves you!

5 swallow| the knife

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